As a hospice chaplain and bereavement counselor, I spend a lot of time talking with people about their grief. People experience grief in so many different ways, and each way is “right.” Because each person is unique, it only makes sense that their experience of grief is also unique.
Many things impact how a person grieves: their relationship with the person who is dying or who has died; the health of that relationship; and their past experiences with death. I’ve noticed that there is something especially hard when we experience the death of our second parent.
I felt that when my mother died in 2008, which was 25 years after my dad died. It didn’t take me long after my mother’s death to realize that I was an orphan. I was utterly lost. Who do I go to when advice is needed? Who do I talk to when times are rough? Who do I spend time with on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day when both of my parents have died.
As I’ve talked with grieving family members this week, just days after Mother’s Day, I’ve heard the intense sorrow in their voices as they recalled the sadness they felt last Sunday. I understand their pain because Mother’s Day is hard for me too.
My daughters help me cope by celebrating who I am as their mother. I appreciate this very much, but it doesn’t resolve the sorrow I feel. One way to mark these special days is to light a candle in memory of your loved one. My mother loved the beach, so I selected a candle that smells like the ocean. Then on Mother’s Day, her birthday, the anniversary of her death, and at other times throughout the year, I light her candle. Staring at the flickering flame fills my heart with peace. It enables me to recall the beauty of who she was and how her presence continues.
This particular Mother’s Day was more difficult than years past. I think that’s because we couldn’t spend the day with other family members due to COVID-19 restrictions. Usually, my sister and I would get together with our families to celebrate and give thanks for mom and our own families. Not being able to do that made me feel my mother’s absence more intensely. I felt isolated and disconnected. Family members I spoke to this week mentioned this as well.
Covid-19 is definitely impacting how people grieve the death of their loved one. While we all grieve differently, most of us seek out time to be with other family members. We long to be able to remember, share stories, laugh, and cry with others who are also missing our loved one. COVID-19, travel restrictions, and social distancing has made this extremely difficult. Families are struggling with planning and holding services to celebrate the life of their loved one. Most are choosing to hold small, private graveside services now, in hopes of having a bigger celebration when more family and friends can gather together.
Here are some suggestions for ways to remember and celebrate the life of a loved one while you wait to be together again:
- Select a special candle and light it every day.
- Look through family pictures and collect those that you want to display at the gathering.
- Identify and set aside items that reflect what was important to your loved one: a favorite piece of clothing, a hat, a book, crafting supplies, a fishing pole or other sporting goods. Plan to display these at the gathering.
- Invite friends and family members to write a short description about what they loved most about your loved one. Plan to collect these and share them at the service. They can also be assembled into a book.
- Make and enjoy a special meal consisting of all your loved one’s favorite foods.
- Make a playlist of all your loved one’s favorite songs.
- Watch movies that your loved one enjoyed.
- Spend time in your loved one’s favorite place.
The possibilities are endless. Be creative. Above all, take care of yourself. Sometimes, sitting quietly in your favorite place is just what you need.